Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
