Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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