I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
