omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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