after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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