Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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