my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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