i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
