we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize