You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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