I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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