You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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