I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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