She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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