so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
