I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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