I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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