I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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