Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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