I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize