Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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