Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
