I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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