don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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