Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
