he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
