I just saw a hot homeless man
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
