I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You smell like stripper and shame
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
