girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
