she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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