My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
