i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
