I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
