You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
