why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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