i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
