his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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