Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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