I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
