He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
