Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
