peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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