So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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