I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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