Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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