It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
