i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize