i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
