i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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