a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
