Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
