i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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