There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
3pm strippers are depressing
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
