did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
