I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
