Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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