I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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