I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
