What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
