I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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