I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
